cripes

I don't know what the hell is happening to my family.
I feel like I don't know these people anymore, though I have to admit
I have often asked myself "Am I adopted?"
If I didn't look so much like my Dad I might be worried.

Anyway, if things go on like this they are going to send me to the looneybin.
I have a mother, father, and little brother. And I am nothing like them.
Above all my younger sibling. I mean...much younger.
He'll be turning 18 this October, and I couldn't feel further away from him
than I do right now. If our conversation strays from movies or music,
we have little else to say to one another. There is an enormous rift between us and
upon inspection, I don't know if it is there because of the age difference, or if a lot of unspoken
questions have just slowly worn away at the fissure.
One enormous issue is that I expect a lot of him, and that sounds very parental.
And it is. I have been taking care of this kid my whole life, if only emotionally of late.
Perhaps too much.
I have the feeling that if I don't pick up the phone and speak to my mother on his behalf,
he falls apart. He isn't able to stand up for himself and make himself be heard or understood
effectively. And that is my fault for always standing up for him. How will this apply later in his life?!

I suppose I get angry because I had it rough...I mean really bad when I was young. And this isn't
envy speaking...in hindsight I am glad I had the tortuous upbringing I had because it has made
me a stronger person today. A person who doesn't falter.
He is so fortunate and doesn't realize it, and that's what pisses the hell out of me.
He has a raging, rampant case of what I call "Wonderbread Suburban Syndrome:"
He doesn't have to work, take care of younger siblings, cook dinner for them while the parents (or parent) works
two shifts at the Denny's...he doesn't live in a crappy apartment battling roaches
and having to dodge the eviction notices because Mom can't afford the rent.
He lives in a beautiful home in the sheltered suburbs, where people don't
shoot at you, the house is always clean and the fridge is always full. Bills get paid and
God forbid the cable goes out.
I ask a lot of an 18-year-old...I ask him to be grateful for what he has and for how much my parents
sacrifice to give it to him. But I fear that is asking too much. Not in today's society anyway.
My parents, in wanting to give him a better life than even the one I had growing up, went too far.
It became too good. Too much too fast and now everything is expected.

So...it doesn't surprise me that now all they do is fight. If it isn't my mother getting upset, it's him.
And one way or another they try to drag me into it and make me take sides. I did it for a while, but
I am tired and won't do it anymore. I am not Santa Claus, I am not a babysitter. Both of them will
have to learn to grow up and suck it up.
My mother and I never got along all that well...we are too different and though I love her, our relationship
is often strained. It has got much better since I moved, since we aren't around each other much we actually
appreciate seeing each other when I come home. But she has an incredibly difficult character. And she and my
brother are a lot alike...and thus they fight like cats and dogs.
Dad. Poor Dad works so much he isn't home enough to fight with anyone, and I harbor the sneaking feeling
that he could care less about all this. He is simply too tired and all he wants is 2 hours on the
sofa in peace and quiet. I get on with my dad because we have similar personalities and
respect each other's spaces. But we are worlds apart when it comes to important issues like religion, politics,
or "sensitive" issues like homosexuality or euthanasia.
In this moment I find it difficult to have any sort of meaningful conversation with any member of my family.
I couldn't feel more estranged.