i'm so damn tired

Cry in front of a man and 9 out of 10 times he'll fall in love with you.
Of course it depends...but if he has had any feelings for you whatsoever
and if he EVER entertained the idea of being with you, if you shed
even one single tear in his presence it's over. Whether you want him or not,
he will begin thinking incessantly of you.
A man has an incredible need to "save" a woman and he feels obliged,
if you are or seem unhappy, to make you feel like there is "something better"
out there and usually that that "something" is him.
It is generally untrue...we do not need a man to save us, nor are we searching for
something "better."
But what is true is the need for us to sometimes feel understood and accepted,
no questions asked. To be able to say something at face value and NOT have to
explain away the under-meanings.
I don't even know what I am trying to get across..
All I know is I shed a few tears in the supermarket today (HOW PATHETIC IS THAT??!!!)
mainly because I just cannot take the pressure anymore. There I was in frozen foods with tears streaming down my face.
And poor Lorenzo was witness. He is the sweetest guy in the world...a proper gentleman and a sensitive soul...an intelligent man who is content with working at the market, despite his business
degree.
Yes, that is how bad the job market is here. People with business degrees work in supermarkets and
are lucky to have a fixed job.
But I digress.
Lorenzo looked at me with those puppy eyes and said "Hmm..I've never seen you sad before,
and I wonder what has caused it. I'm sorry...if there's anything I can do..."
If there only were....
But there it is. He stared after me as I moved into the next aisle...and I knew. I had unknowingly
caused him to think of me.
As if I don't have enough problems already.

blood, sweat, and a lot of tears

Phase 1 is over.
I passed.
Now I face what will be for me the hardest part.
Talking in a language which is essentially not mine about stuff I could give 2 shits about.

it just doesn't seem fair

I don't know.
I have really had one of the worst months of my entire life.
And tomorrow...tomorrow is the first of two exams which might change my
life forever.
Statistically I don't stand a chance in either one, but I have been studying an average of
5-7 hours a day (and sometimes more!) to prepare for this wicked test which will surely
be everything I am NOT expecting.
As I review the tome that is my textbook and copy over and over again the quiz questions
( I swear if I have to number sheets of paper any more times I am going to lose it), I wonder
where the justice is.
The justice, my friends, is LONG gone. It took a bus to Cali and never looked back.

Is it fair to study for hours on end, day after day, all to prepare for a 30-question
multiple-guess exam???? People...my textbook is over 1000 pages and I have been
trying to memorize close to 2500 quiz questions...and the exam they will give will have
30.
Thirty. I can write it all I want but it doesn't get better. THIRTY.
Thirty questions and an oral exam away from a possible job and financial security.
Too bad I have a 0,3 percent chance of making it on the list within the numbers they want.
Jeez. I'd open a bottle of Jack right now and call it a night, but I fear waking up tomorrow shy 3 neurons and they just might be equivalent to about a 200-question loss and I can't afford that.

Speaking of drink, I saw a guy today on the bus drinking white wine out of a box. It was
11am. Boy, you know you have a problem when you find yourself on public transport mid-morning drinking something that tastes like wet newspaper.
Guess I'm better off than I thought.

And to put the cherry on the shitcake, a man older than my own father has been hitting
on me for weeks now. Today he gave me perfume and a Christmas card in scribbled, very poor
English. I don't know what's worse...being courted by a man twice my age or the insinuation that I stink. Perhaps he was trying to get "personal." It severely failed and only succeeded in scaring
the living hell out of me.

I need a vacation.

dreams

I have several recurring nightmares. 2 nights ago I had one.
This particular dream I have about once a month, and I can't connect
circumstance to event but it is often triggered by anxiety regarding my studies.

In this nightmare I am informed that while investigating old files, the high school district discovered some discrepancies and it turns out I shouldn't have graduated. I am ordered back to high school (at 30!) and not to some evening recuperation program...I am enrolled in the full-time program with all the teens!
There I must pass a few courses in order to fulfill the requirements and regain my status as a "graduate."
SO there I am, roaming the school in heels and trying to figure out where the hell I have to be and when. This is the worst aspect of it all...I am constantly confused about which period it is, where I have to be, and the school is absolutely ENORMOUS and I can never bloody find
where I need to be going.
When I actually do make it to the right class, I am told that I have several absences, I haven't turned in homework, and if I don't make all this up I will fail, meaning I have to attend ANOTHER semester!
It is truly awful, as it is also in direct contrast with how I actually was back then (a total nerd who was NEVER late and averaged A's).
Though often in a mental daze, this time around I do seem to be popular and
rather liked. But then again it might be due to the fact that I am wandering the halls in tight skirt-suits and Gucci heels.
Hormonal teenage boys tend to respond to that sort of thing.

Another dream I have been having much more frequently is a tad more bizarre.
I am forced, in one way or another, to change trains or subways or trams. So there I am, running from platform to platform, and as soon as I get on, I discover that I am on the wrong means of transport and immediately struggle to get off. I rush around as well, as one train is generally arriving right when
I am getting off the other. Tracks are a constant in these dreams as is a feeling of general disorientation.

Last night I also dreamt of Shay. If you're reading this, though I know you aren't, thanks...it was nice of you.

Back to my studying.

wow

I haven't written since the 21st. Only...what ...12 days ago?
It seems like an eternity. So much has happened to me in these twelve days that
were I to sit down and actually relate it all, it would be unbelievable.
All I know is that I am here now, and there is a situation to be faced, and time is of
the essence.
The rest of my life is on hold until all this pans out. And it will, one way or another.
Whether I am ready or not.