turkey and fools

There is no Thanksgiving here. Italians are not taught to be thankful. They are brought up to to whine and complain.
Some of that must have rubbed off on me in the years I have been living here, since when "times get tough" I notice
myself bitching a lot as well.
The past two weeks have been some of the most difficult in my life. Physically and mentally exhausting, circumstance
drove me on with an objective in mind and I followed, head down and blinders on, militant in my desire to succeed.
Now, due to a bureaucratic glitch and obtuse thinking, all I have been so diligently working for may go up in flames.
I haven't drowned yet, but I am at the bottom of the pool and water is slowly filling my lungs. The next days will see me
anxious and hopeful, but I can just as surely drown as I may also be saved.

It never ceases to amaze me how often our lives, our very futures are placed into the hands of fools wearing the cloaks of
public and diplomatic administrators, hell-bent on "following guidelines" even when said rules are nonsensical and
absolutely illogical.
I took Thanksgiving away with me when I moved here. It's my favorite holiday, and that is saying a lot as I am also not one to celebrate much of
anything .
I miss my family and friends dearly, and would love to entertain the idea of flying home tomorrow. This being impossible
I wish everyone a Happy Turkey day full of laughter and cheer. Tomorrow I will come home from work at 8pm, make some potatoes
and a roasted chicken, and be thankful for the little things. They are the only elements in my life right now that seem in any
way to make sense.
My love to all my dearest ones...

war and peace

I wish I were a Spartan. Or a gladiator.
Fearless, resolute, steadfast, and mighty.
Instead, I feel like a whiny bitch.
Without the need for enemies or adversaries, I single-handedly
manage to stab myself with my own sword during a battle
I desperately want to win.
I can't even raise my shield because I am too weak, and it would
be best to hoist it against myself.
I'm in a funk, it's official. All this pressure is getting to me.
Last night I had a vodka tonic and some Bugles for dinner.
Christ.
Someone out there have any advice? Do they sell confidence on Ebay???

oh...

crap.

if hell had a name...

I have to say that there is not too much to report. Those informed of my present situation
understand that my life right now is the following cycle: sleep, study, work, study, sleep.
Somewhere in there I manage a bathroom break and some food, and maybe an episode of Seinfeld.
Other than that I have little appetite for anything else.
All of this madness will end in late February, but until then I have two major deadlines...one in 28 days and the other in Feb. A virus took over Britain in 28 days, let's see what havoc I can wreak.
Both dates are extremely important. Since I have passed most Christmases and birthdays getting nothing or getting useless crap,
I am hoping in a special Christmas or birthday present
this year. It doesn't matter which. It wouldn't be anything I can touch or wear, but it would be
so much more.

Still, I wonder if I think about this too much. I try to tell myself that I don't care...but if I let down my guard for just a second
it all comes to the surface. I desire this SO much, more than I have ever wanted anything in my life. Perhaps only one other
time I worked this hard and with such fervor towards something.
Panic attacks have been lurking about, but I am desperately
trying to keep them at bay. I have no time
for this psychological masturbation. There are two tasks at hand that must be faced, and the clock is ticking.
I am really going against all odds. And the odds are not in my favor. But I have to find the courage to believe and to finally look at myself with the regard that I have been denying myself all these years.
Otherwise I don't stand a chance and I will be my worst enemy.

Life is so simple and yet complicated at the same time. I covet this opportunity with every fiber of my being. I am doing everything in my power to make it happen. What more can I expect of myself? Yet the temptation is to beat myself up before the fight has even begun. Bad. Very bad.
We'll see where all this will lead. Nothing is given to us in this world, I know that all too well. But if the cosmos has any debt with me at all...I've signed the check and I would like to cash in, please. PLEASE....

sorry

What better way to deal with your troubles?
I'm taking a Madonna break. Not that anyone needs to know details, but I am indeed
dancing about my room right now in knickers and a little t-shirt.
Madonna totally kicks ass. Really, it's only comparable to when I do the songs and
routines from Chicago. Step aside, Renee Zellweger....

trickery

Rancor...it is flowing through my veins like poison.
Shall I compare thee to....

Iago:
It is as sure as you are Roderigo,
Were I the Moor, I would not be Iago.
In following him, I follow but myself;
Heaven is my judge, not I for love and duty,
But seeming so, for my peculiar end;
For when my outward action doth demonstrate
The native act and figure of my heart
In complement extern, 'tis not long after
But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve
For daws to peck at. I am not what I am.

Othello Act 1, scene 1, 56–65


Or perhaps in three words He said it best:

Caesar:
"Et tu, Brute?"

Julius Caesar (III, i, 77)

Whether my enmity will turn into hostility, I have yet to decide.
The most logical path to take would be one of animosity.
And animosity almost certainly leads to hostility.
But I wonder is that healthy? Should I waste this precious energy
on such negative emotions?
Is the best revenge really served cold?
I must gather my strength and focus on the task at hand. I think following the
shadowy, silent path I may come out victorious. If not at least I'll die trying.

grr

I know things, and I pray they are not true, and yet the pessimistic side of me knows better. Most of the time:
There is no justice in the world.
People do not get what they deserve or merit.
People do not appreciate anything.
There is no explaining the chaos behind most events, nor is there an excuse for stupidity.
Stupidity still abounds.

Nothing in particular happened today, at least to me. I just kept my ears and eyes on alert.

Did a favor for someone who had no right asking it. Though it cost me little and I did it to help,
I had no other ulterior motives. But I expected at least a thanks. Not even that.

Note to self: People blow.