if hell had a name...

I have to say that there is not too much to report. Those informed of my present situation
understand that my life right now is the following cycle: sleep, study, work, study, sleep.
Somewhere in there I manage a bathroom break and some food, and maybe an episode of Seinfeld.
Other than that I have little appetite for anything else.
All of this madness will end in late February, but until then I have two major deadlines...one in 28 days and the other in Feb. A virus took over Britain in 28 days, let's see what havoc I can wreak.
Both dates are extremely important. Since I have passed most Christmases and birthdays getting nothing or getting useless crap,
I am hoping in a special Christmas or birthday present
this year. It doesn't matter which. It wouldn't be anything I can touch or wear, but it would be
so much more.

Still, I wonder if I think about this too much. I try to tell myself that I don't care...but if I let down my guard for just a second
it all comes to the surface. I desire this SO much, more than I have ever wanted anything in my life. Perhaps only one other
time I worked this hard and with such fervor towards something.
Panic attacks have been lurking about, but I am desperately
trying to keep them at bay. I have no time
for this psychological masturbation. There are two tasks at hand that must be faced, and the clock is ticking.
I am really going against all odds. And the odds are not in my favor. But I have to find the courage to believe and to finally look at myself with the regard that I have been denying myself all these years.
Otherwise I don't stand a chance and I will be my worst enemy.

Life is so simple and yet complicated at the same time. I covet this opportunity with every fiber of my being. I am doing everything in my power to make it happen. What more can I expect of myself? Yet the temptation is to beat myself up before the fight has even begun. Bad. Very bad.
We'll see where all this will lead. Nothing is given to us in this world, I know that all too well. But if the cosmos has any debt with me at all...I've signed the check and I would like to cash in, please. PLEASE....