soul vomit

It's been a feeling which has been nagging at me for weeks now. It's in reality not a new sensation.
When I stop to think about it, I realize I have had all the symptoms since birth.
I just don't belong anywhere.
I have felt like this my whole damn life. I was born in Poland to two Polish people, though none of us three look it. My Dad looks American and my Mom looks Mexican or Greek. I don't know what I look like, but no one has ever called me on being Polish.
I moved around Europe, not staying long enough in any place to "fit in" and anyway, I was too young to care.
Then we moved to the US. So there I was, a Polish immigrant who didn't look Polish living in Chicago, going to Catholic schools where the uniforms hid just how poor we were, or at least how poor we were for the first years.
At least I thought you couldn't tell back then. But you could. You can always tell by people's shoes just how destitute
they are. My shoes were always second-hand or
from Payless. The "American" kids had nice leather shoes or sneakers with cartoon characters on them. They had nice school supplies...I had a Polish pencil case and
generic pens.
My parents sacrificed enormously to send me to private school, trying to keep me out of the Chicago public school system. I thought I at least owed them good grades. I studied hard and from the beginning started getting straight As. That continued for the rest of my school career, save for my constant Bs in Math. My academic success became a real point of pride for my parents. The better I did in school the more socially awkward I became. I realized too late that I wanted more to escape myself though most of the time I desired nothing else but to run away from my life.
I didn't become an American citizen until I was 18. I may have grown up there, and I may speak American English, but deep down I never felt truly "American." My last name wasn't Smith or Jones. I wasn't blond. I didn't eat peanut butter and jelly for lunch. And I didn't have expensive shoes or brand-name clothing.
I hit junior high and had to go to public school because by then we were living in the suburbs.
That was awful. It was one of the worst periods of my life. No more uniforms to hide behind...my inadequate wardrobe and feelings of alienation only further contributed to my feelings of unhappiness and dissatisfaction.
I couldn't face going to public high school and begged my parents to allow me to return to private school.
My first two years of high school I spent in an all-girls Catholic institute miles from my home. But I had a uniform, and I met up with old friends from previous schools, and things were suddenly right again. And then we moved, for the hundredth time. Further into suburbia, no good private schools around and now I had a sibling...another mouth for my family to feed. No more privileges for me. Back to public high school for the last two years.
It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I made great friends, despite my extreme shyness. I studied really hard and I did really well. I had fun. For a time the feeling of not belonging left me.
Eventually it came back. The nagging. I decided to study abroad to stop the itch. This was fatal. I realized I liked Europe. I liked my new boyfriend. I could see this working out.
So when I finished college, I moved to Italy. My boyfriend became my husband. And here
I am nearly 10 years later.
I am still dreaming of a uniform. Somehow it makes me think I can fit in better. And I came very close to getting one. But it wasn't meant to be. And though I got a letter in the mail a few years back telling me I was "Italian"...and though oddly I probably look more Italian than I do Polish or American, and though I speak the language better than a lot of native speakers...no paper, no words, no pat on the back make you something you aren't. And here, either directly or indirectly, people remind you daily that you aren't and will never be one of them.
So I am still wondering where the hell that leaves me.